The Housewife Assassin's Horrorscope by Josie Brown

Author:Josie Brown
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
ISBN: 9781942052678
Publisher: Signal Press

“Mom…MOM! Where’s Dad?”

Jeff stands right outside my door, which is shut because no child should see how much makeup is troweled onto his mother’s face before she is ready to make her grand entrance. Otherwise, it may frighten him away from the opposite sex for the rest of his life.

Because his shout startled me, I now sport a lipstick mustache. I’m still wiping it off as I open the door.

“Dad took Trisha up the hill to Janie’s house,” I explain. “Is there something I can help you with?”

Sheepishly, he hands me his bowtie—hot pink, to match his date’s prom dress.

I wince. “Are you sure you don’t want to wear one of your father’s black ones? It would be so much more…debonair.”

“I probably won’t be called a wuss, either. And maybe I won’t come home with a black eye for defending myself, or be suspended for fighting on school property.”

“I get the picture. So, why wear it?”

“If I don’t act like colors are gender-neutral, I’m not woke. At least, that’s what Felicity says.”

As I place the tie around Jeff’s neck, I mutter, “Well, I hope one of Felicity’s parents is a dentist, just in case being ‘woke’ results in a tooth getting knocked out.”

A twist, a fold, and a loop later, and my son is quite the woke gentleman. Satisfied, I pat the tie proudly. As Jeff admires my handiwork in the mirror, I ask, “So, before we pick up Felicity, are there any topics you’d prefer Dad and I avoid?”

“Anything to do with my bodily functions would be appreciated. And please, please, please don’t pull up any of my baby photos from your iCloud.” Suddenly, Jeff frowns. “Oh yeah—Felicity moved to Hilldale just this summer, so she doesn’t know about…you know, what happened at my middle school prom.”

It was the second time I was saddled with supervising a prom. Unfortunately, it was held in the same hotel as former President Chiffray’s top-secret international summit on terrorism. A few party crashers showed up: a terrorist cell sponsored by the Quorum.

Jeff was taken hostage. The terrorists were going to behead him on television if Lee didn’t take his place.

I shot the terrorists’ mission leader instead.

She turned out to be an old friend of Jack’s—and not in a good way.

At the time, I’d already given Acme my notice. After he was pulled to safety, Jeff talked me into staying on. I look forward to the day the world is rid of those who think nothing of taking innocent lives.

My way of putting a smile back on my son’s face is to kiss him.

He mutters, “Agh! You smeared me with lipstick!”

But he’s also smiling.

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